I am interested in this and so I am posting about it.
Certain people feel the need to fail and be self destructive when they are hurting. I have seen this happen in many different situations, and so I want to clarify some thoughts on it. First a sampling of situations which might cause this behavior...
Breaking up with someone
Crying out for attention from someone in specific
Trying to achieve autonomy from an outside source of control
Losing in a game or other competition
OK, I think four example situations is good enough. You can probably think of some more yourself.
When situations such as these come up, the typical reaction for a passive aggressive person is to self destruct or feign an attempt at self destruction. The passive aggressive person would choose to lose the game badly... or "purposefully" to avoid a failure to win. This person would also try to fail in important life situations or even attempt to cause him/herself bodily harm in an attempt to wrest control from the targetted individual. This might be the former love or the outside source of control or anyone else.
I am realizing that this is often a sad and futile thing to attempt. Surely, there are times when the passive aggressive does manage to control his/her target by using their love and guilt to get the attention that is desired or even needed.
However, most of the time the attempt is an utter failure, which leaves the passive aggressive as a double failure who feels bad for failing in both trying to control the target and in whatever it was that he/she chose to fail in or destroy. On top of both of those failures, our passive aggressive also feels badly because he or she perceives the target as having less of a caring love than originally hoped for and anticipated.
So, I've come to the conclusion that self destruction as a means to behaving passive aggressively is a) a huge emotional and life-goal risk b) an often ineffective attempt to control another person or gain control of yourself from a parent/superior, and c) a tripled loss for someone who is already behind.
I don't know if this is anywhere close to what psychologists consider passive aggressive behavior, because I've never taken a psych class, but this is what I think of when I think of a passive aggressive person who is toying with self destruction.
Lastly, I think that people can also be passive aggressive toward God, and this can manifest itself in any number of ways, but I think it generally comes out when someone feels that it is inappropriate to express anger toward God. So, that person chooses to self destruct in some way, because he/she knows that God will feel bad about it. In this situation we have a mortal trying to control God by guilting Him into action.
I say, why don't you just pray, tell God you're pissed with Him, and ask him to do whatever it is that you are wanting Him to do. That might also work for the other people/situations that were mentioned above.
I remembered when I did that. I was angry with my folks for not letting me visit my friends or being a pissy child. It just doesn't seem like they love me at all (big misassumption right there). Childish, I think is the word. Some people, however, actually hurt themselves to get attention. People in my town are messed up. Maybe it's my upbringing. If I don't love myself, no one else will. Of course it's not true, that took some time to learn.
Posted by: Wei at July 25, 2003 10:21 AM