David's Blog

Anger

In light of some the things that have happened in my life recently, and my own long-term, personal struggle with the subject, I am going to do a post on anger today.

I feel pretty well equipped to do this, because I have struggled with anger quite a bit in my life, and I just read a book that discusses anger in depth.
The first, most important, thing to remember is that anger is inherently neither good nor bad. It is an emotion that we are equipped with to protect ourselves by giving us an emotional and physiological surge. With that surge we are focused and energized for a short period of time. In that time we can use anger properly to correct what we perceive as wrong, or if we are angered at an inappropriate time we can realize that it is a false alarm and release our anger. Those are two positive things we can do with anger. That list is pretty short, but the list of negative things that people do with anger fills an entire book. I guess we are pretty creative when it comes to doing things improperly.
Strangely, many of these improper forms of expressing anger are socially acceptable while showing anger properly can socially unacceptable if you are angry about a widely accepted and embraced social ill. This might not strike some as strange, but I still have this notion that society is correct and that socially acceptable things are acceptable and socially unacceptable things are unacceptable. I suppose when I lose that notion I will be a wiser man.
There are two types of anger – good and bad. JK, there are more types than that. There are actually three ‘main’ types. Assertive anger is the good kind though. This is the anger that is displayed when you feel strongly about an injustice or something immoral. This does not include things that are personally unfair, however. Anger that stems from a feeling that we have personally been treated unfairly comes from our pride/ego and that leads to either Aggressive anger or Passive-Aggressive anger. Aggressive anger is that anger that is clearly socially unacceptable. That is the rage, the abuse, the violence, and everything else that would leave some sort of evidence that would be admissible in a court room. Passive-Aggressive anger is this other heinous kind. The kind that interests me the most, because it seems to be the kind of anger that we all have to deal with in some way everyday – whether it comes from within us or from someone we know.
Passive-Aggressive anger comes in so many forms that I think a list would work best here. I was actually quite surprised to find that psychologists and psychiatrists decided that some of things were actually stemmed from anger.
The Silent Treatment: This is when the angry person reacts by not speaking or acknowledging the person with whom the person is angry.
Procrastination: This is when the angry person prioritizes in such a way as to accomplish important things at the last minute, late, or never. This is a form of rebellion and an attempt to gain control – especially if the task is something that someone else is depending on. When someone reprioritizes (or puts off) a task like this it is expressing that the person/people behind the task is/are not important.
Halfhearted Efforts: This is when the angry person has an “I don’t give a carelessly chosen expletive” attitude. This person feels cheated and trapped. So, to appease the trap keepers he will put in an effort, but to express anger the effort will be poor. This is an approach used by someone who has quit, because of a feeling of a risk that if any feelings are out into the open he will be dismissed or proven wrong.
Depression (not every form, but many): This is when an angry person is trying to communicate in a passive way that the world is no good. It is aggressive anger in that the depressed person has withdrawn from people emotionally and has refused to allow anyone to enjoy a relationship with him. It is very selfish because the person often does not allow others to know what can be done to make things better and further a relationship. Supposedly, depression has some strong advantages for the angry person. A depressed person doesn’t need to concern himself with other people and when sympathized with they have a good excuse for not taking on their unwanted responsibilities.
Compliance: This is when an angry person constantly agrees with everyone. This person is afraid to express their true feelings. Often there is an emotional vulnerability in true expression and the angry person does not want to be vulnerable. Other times there is a dread of being angry because the person has learned that anger must be avoided at all costs. In this way the angry person can express a lack of concern for other people, because they disregard people’s need to hear honest feelings within relationships.
Forgetfulness: This is when an angry person has chronic forgetfulness. Obviously, we all forget things from time to time. This behavior allows for the expression of the aforementioned “I don’t care” attitude. It is again a way of communicating that someone or something is low on the angry person’s priority list. In terms of forgetting responsibilities it is a convenient way to punish whomever the angry person perceives is depending on the responsibility.
Preoccupation: This is when an angry person does not give things his full attention. Some people do this in meetings that they feel are a waste of time. It happens so often that it is a classic example, but this can happen anywhere in any situation. There are other classic examples like intelligent kids who fail to live up to their potential. This behavior is a way for the angry person to show that he is disgusted with his circumstances. It communicates that he wants to have nothing to do with anyone or anything other than the preoccupation. He would rather insult everyone around him than honestly express that he is at odds with his circumstances. This is also stubborn way of demanding to be left alone.
Laziness: This occurs when an angry person feels cheated, misused, misunderstood, or has a bad self image. It is often a reaction to bossiness or some other form of control. It is selfish and it communicates that the tasks are not important to him.
Hypochondria: This is when an angry person experiences illness after illness. The angry person is often convinced that they may not speak out in an assertive way – unless there is a good excuse. So, they fall ill… a lot. These people realize that they are not expected to be in good moods when they are sick nor are they expected to live up to many of the typical social standards that healthy, normal people must adhere to. Hypochondriacs fall ill to have a socially acceptable outlet for expressing their anger.
All the above forms of passive-aggressive anger are somewhat socially acceptable, which is probably why people use them to express their anger. Since I made a list of passive-aggressive anger I think that it is only fair to include a list of some of the different incarnations of aggressive anger. These types of aggressive anger are often less socially acceptable than the passive-aggressive types of anger mentioned above, but they may still be expressed without too much fear of condemnation most of the time.
Placing blame:
Sarcasm
Poisonous Talk
Gossip
Complaining
Stubbornness
Intimidation
Criticism
Rumination

Of all these different forms of anger, I use often exhibit depression, compliance, preoccupation (rarely, but it has happened), blame, some sarcasm, complaining, and more complaining. That’s seven of them! Man, am I angry! I didn’t even fully realize it all the time, but when I consider my life I realize that I am pretty angry about many things that happen.
So, what should I do now? Well, I think that it is pretty clear that since I’ve addressed this problem, addressed and listed in my mind most of the things that have made me angry recently… it’s time to deal with the anger.
To do this I will want to express some of it assertively, positively, and lovingly. I either need to patiently and lovingly let people know that I am not OK with things or I need to learn to accept things so I can be OK with them. Wish me luck.
Please note: if anyone asks/expresses interest I’ll do an entry explicating the things that should be done to live with less anger.

Posted by David at August 30, 2003 11:30 PM