David's Blog

Emotional

Well, I am in Orlando pretty much alone. My roommate is actually here with me now and his Dad is with him too. He is 40 years old and kinda quirky. Today we talked about apartment related things and I got to hear about some things that he'd like to see happen with the apartment. I hadn't unpacked all of my kitchen stuff (eight boxes of stuff) yet because I was wondering what he wanted me to do about all of that.

Well, I found out that I'll be taking three boxes full of stuff back to Fort Myers to let it sit in my closet. I also found out that the guy doesn't really use his dishwasher for anything more than a drying rack that closes. I don't think he really wants me to use it for what it was made for either. In fact, he is living up to his neat freak manner pretty quickly. He wants me to do all my dishes right after I use them and just put them back on the shelf. This isn't all that unreasonable, and actually makes a ton of sense for his lifestyle. He has about two to four plates, bowls, knives, forks, and coffee cups so doing it this way means that he really only needs one or two of each item.

This isn't really a big deal, but I realized now that I am likely to be living a completely different lifestyle than the one that I have lived since I was a kid. Now I won't ever be cooking for anyone but myself, because I live in a rather small apartment with a guy who doesn't really eat in his apartment either.

So, that added to the number of boxes that I need to take back to Fort Myers with me. This is kinda stressing me out a bit, which is really silliness because everything will certainly fit in the Pacifica. I guess the real worry is taking all my stuff to Fort Myers with the knowledge that my parents have strangers living in my room all of the time and knowing that they might want to sell the house at any time.

I also really wish I could talk to someone that I know, but I lost my cell phone a few days ago. I'd like to just go ahead and get another one and start collecting phone numbers again, but my mother and older brother want to switch cell phone plans which can't happen until after September starts up.

I guess I am emotional because I keep letting these small things impede my progress. I am frustrated also by how amazingly huge my bathroom is, because everything else -- like the kitchen especially -- is small. My biggest frustration is trying to fit everything that I used in a four bedroom house into a two bedroom apartment. I simply won't be needing, wanting or even using some of my stuff. Things like video games and board games that I can't imagine myself playing alone. There are also things that I have that are really Joy's in a way. I had been holding on those things for her because she was living in an apartment style dorm and didn't have room for all of her stuff.

This reminds me of Fight Club. My stuff is essentially owning me in this situation. I'd love to just get rid of it. I just want to do that in a semi-responsible way. Also, I am pained because much of this was given to me to help me out through college and beyond (meaning marriage.)

I guess I am also stressed because I keep hearing on the radio that all the major roads leading out of the city in the direction that I am headed are very backed up due to five different car accidents -- two of them are even on the same road!

I really have mental and emotional issues when it comes to packing, moving, and changing around my life situation. When I am happy to be leaving I pack super sloppily, become careless and leave a lot behind because I just want to get away. When I am trying to be efficient I become incredibly inefficient because I want to think too much and often get frustrated when things aren't fitting well. All of these things smack of personal weakness, which is humbling and frustrating on multiple levels. I hate having weaknesses because they are so frowned upon and often unaccptable, which plays into another possible weakness of mine -- my constant desire to be accepted. I guess that is more of a universal quality that we all have to a certain degree, which is not inherently a strength or a weakness. Still, my desire to be accepted makes stands center-stage when I realize that I am dealing with something about myself that is a character flaw, a bit of immaturity or a weakness of some other type.

Whoa, my mind is racing. I am exhausted, and I don't know why. Perhaps these are Southwestern after-effects. It has been so long since I have had some real time with friends in a stable environment. I'd like to get back into that. Visiting people is cool, but it isn't stability. It is a vacation that feels like fantasy... like I'm not really living life, but just taking a break from things that are too hard.

UPDATE:
I think I may have figured out what might have played into all this emotional stuff. I have pretty much been sitting on my butt this whole week, which is a stark contrast from what I had been doing all summer long. As soon as I started taking boxes down to the car and then went running up three flights of stairs I was feeling much better. I think I just need to keep working out.

This seems to be a pattern with me. I get moody whenever I stop doing physical work after having consistantly exerted myself for a several weeks. I really have to remember this beforehand next time.

Posted by David at August 26, 2004 05:09 PM