I feel angst. I want it to stop seizing me when I'm alone at night. Just make it stop...
Angst as a word in English has gone through a bit of a change over the past century and now is a word closely associated with troubles of the teenager.
The American HeritageŽ Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition defines angst as "A feeling of anxiety or apprehension often accompanied by depression."
This word came to us from the German word, Angst, and I believe that it was popularized after Martin Heidegger's existentialist theories written at the beginning of the century in Germany, but popularized in American in the early sixties.
All that is really interesting, right? Well, not to most of you. The reason I mention all of that is that I have experiences of Heidegger's notion of angst -- not what American's consider it. According to Heidegger, there is this feeling (yes, angst) that comes upon men when we realize that we are in a state of being, but headed toward non-being or death. This feeling is one of almost utter despair and is sometimes accompanied with terror or depression.
I have this feeling. I have had this feeling since Pre-Kindergarten. I remember that as the time when I first experienced it. I was reflecting on the memories that my older brothers and sisters had of me and times before me. I could remember many of the events about me, but try as I might I could never remember any of their descriptions of time before me. As commonsensical as this seems to all of us, this just didn't make sense to me. I remembered everything when I was at that age (yes, I was strange.) Why shouldn't I remember this other stuff? So what if I wasn't born yet! I understood not remembering things that happened when I wasn't in the room or house, but not recalling events before I was born didn't click.
So, I was in my bed reflecting on my memories while waiting to go to sleep. Then I realized it. I wasn't born yet in the events described. In fact, It's 1986 or 87 and I was just born in 1982! What was I doing in 1980? Where was I in 1979? You mean I just sort of wasn't here?
Man, did I hate that feeling of just not existing. And here I am knowing that I was doing all this not existing for so long. It was (and still is) unsettling for me. I can't imagine not thinking, breathing, dreaming... being. Yet, it should be so easy to picture, because I've been doing that for a longer period of time than I've been being.
So, now we come to reflecting about death. One of my great fears is non-being. I feel the pain of a convict who refuses to go back to "that place." Non-being is a prison -- in my mind. Where I am not allowed to do anything -- not even think... or be. So, when I consider going back to non-being I despair. It changes my strong feelings of an eternal worldview. I feel eternal, yet, there is no guaruntee that I am eternal. People argue endlessly about being beyond human existance. Some say that we simply stop being. Others feel that there is a continuation of being in a different state.
I feel that I am eternal, but I don't know that I am. I just know that I don't know what comes next. To make the angst go away I trust my feelings and try to believe.
Posted by David at March 5, 2005 11:54 AMIntersting stuff man...
I have to admit, I never suffered from the frustration of not recalling things prior to my "being"...but I can see how if one was to focus on that too long, it could lead down one of those mentally disturbing roads I brutally hate to go down.
Actually, it was just the other night myself that I started down that path pondering eternity and all that jazz. This always comes to me at night when I lay in my head and it quite often literally makes me queezy. What is a bit crazy is that I really almost have the "opposite" fear of you...I fear existing, not non-existence. Actually, all in all, the concept of simply ceasing to exist is much more comforting to me than the concept of existing forever. I am apparently quite privy to the idea of simply no longer being. Since all I know is the sense of existing, I admit it's strange I have a predisposition towards non existing, but I do.
The other night as I found myself caught in the typical introspective spiral of reflecting on my post-death fate, all I could possibly do was finally pray and say, "God, just let me know it's all taken care of"...and I have to admit, immediatly I experienced a sense of ease and my "angst" was relieved. Maybe I'm fooling myself, maybe it's some psychological trick I play on myself to get me out of what could be a chronic case of fear and depression...but I do somehow escape it. This recurring condition used to plague me...constantly, and it wasn't until this last year that I finally experienced a sense of relief about it.
It's not exactly the same as what you deal with, but I know the sickening feeling that accompanies contemplating things we have no clue about but ultimately are where we end up.
I feel that I am eternal, but I don't know that I am, and still every now and then, I don't want to be eternal either.
Posted by: JennyJ at March 6, 2005 12:07 PMBy your description it seems like you have a good idea of what I am talking about. Queeziness, despair, internal pain, and a deep sense of alertness are all things that I feel when I reach this point in my mind.
Prayer is pretty much all I can do about it at this point too, but it doesn't seem to be a definitive "fix" for this thing that continually, occasionally, violently siezes me.
Posted by: David at March 6, 2005 03:01 PMYou've mentioned this to me before and I think it's quite interesting. You are right (i think) that prayer is the only thing to help with these feelings. Prayer and knowing that God takes care of his children helps me when I experience similar feelings.
Jenn
I do wonder what it would be like to be in eternity. I think, "What if I get bored in heaven?" But the bible talks about such a wonderful time with no sorrow and continual praise. I think it's going to be more amazing than we can even imagine, then we'll be glad that we are eternal beings and didn't just stop existing.