Do you ever just feel like spending some time by yourself?
I have felt that way quite a bit this past week, because I have been so busy with work, school, setting up our new house, and working out troubles that I am having in my marriage. I am really quite stressed out, and I am distressed and unhappy with the way certain things are going in my life right now. There is a lot of uncertainty with where my friends will be next year, as well as uncertainty with my job. I enjoy parts of it, but I am not sure if I want to spend the next two years working with the people I work with in the work-relationships that I have right now.
With all this swirling around in my head and heart I am wanting to spend some time to myself to maybe sort through it all, and definately rest. There is a problem with this though. I have all these commitments that I need to take care of, I need to answer to my wife constantly about so many little things that I am not all that used to yet (laundry, yard work, keeping my office clean, picking up after myself right away, etc)
I feel like I can't keep her quite happy. So she is finding relief in spending time with her friends. They come over just a couple nights a week -- somewhere between 2-5 nights a week -- but it gets to me. I don't have the energy to "pretend to be happy" as Joy insists. I would like to just go somewhere else, but I don't really have another place to go. I've got my place and that's about it, but everyone is at my place, and it is the place I am trying to leave.
I feel like if I could get some time to myself to sort things out and just rest that I would feel a whole lot better and be ready, willing, and eager to socialize. That doesn't happen though. Joy's job allows her to be always present at my house, and when there aren't people when I walk in they come just minutes later. Today is a fine example. I came home today at 5:00PM and there was someone else here by 5:20. I hadn't even finished changing and I had barely spoken to Joy in those first 20 minutes.
One respite from all of this constant activity has been yet another activity... running. I have started running again. I have measured out a distance of a little over 5K that I have run several times so far. It keeps me busy for almost 30 minutes and gives me at least that much time to clear my head. It has made a big difference the days that I've gotten to run, but I can't run every day yet. I haven't run in several years, and whenever I run I run as fast and hard as I can. I am thinking that I will likely go run again soon.
One thing I've been reminded of in this most stressful time of my life is this thing about sticking up for people or coming to their defense. I have always felt that is something that friends do for each other. Lately, I have had some people I work with do that for me. I immediately felt like I liked them a lot more afterward. That's one of the things that I associate with friendship. Certainly I can try tp defend myself from whatever there may be, but it is a bonding experience to have someone else (unexpectedly) come to your defense as well. This has all come to mind as I am working in a new environment. I'm in training so I am kind of going through a learn by fire process. Some of my coworkers have come forward to keep me from some of the unnecessary fire, and it warmed my heart and got me thinking. Most of the people I spend my time with regularly probably wouldn't do this for me.
Are my friends not all that great of friends or do certain strangers just have a knack for friendship that most other people do not have?
Even as I am typing all of this my wife is pretending. Then again maybe she's not, but I got a stern scolding about "being miserable," "being antisocial," and the lot. She'd prefer me to come out and play host to her constant hostess. I'd prefer that too, but I am wiped. I need a release. I need some time to sit and think. More than anything I want to not be re-greeted, and then have to make small-talk with a group of my wife's friends that I have known for years.
I feel like if I were allowed to leave Easter dinner and go spend time with my friends that they would actually ask me how things are going because they were willing to hear all that I've written here. They would probably then feel for me and let me know that. Maybe they would also offer a few words of encouragement, some advice, or just listen and have nothing to add but a knowing glance. We've all been overwhelmed by taking too big a bite out of life. I'm right in the thick of it now, and I just want to take a big step away from all that is overwhelming me so that I have some energy when I step back into it again.
Thank God for blogging. I feel a little better already. I am going to go and try this thing. Hopefully, everyone is not as judgmental about my 'unsocial' time in my office as Joy portends.
Posted by David at April 16, 2006 07:11 PM