In light of some the things that have happened in my life recently, and my own long-term, personal struggle with the subject, I am going to do a post on anger today.
I feel pretty well equipped to do this, because I have struggled with anger quite a bit in my life, and I just read a book that discusses anger in depth.
The first, most important, thing to remember is that anger is inherently neither good nor bad. It is an emotion that we are equipped with to protect ourselves by giving us an emotional and physiological surge. With that surge we are focused and energized for a short period of time. In that time we can use anger properly to correct what we perceive as wrong, or if we are angered at an inappropriate time we can realize that it is a false alarm and release our anger. Those are two positive things we can do with anger. That list is pretty short, but the list of negative things that people do with anger fills an entire book. I guess we are pretty creative when it comes to doing things improperly.
Strangely, many of these improper forms of expressing anger are socially acceptable while showing anger properly can socially unacceptable if you are angry about a widely accepted and embraced social ill. This might not strike some as strange, but I still have this notion that society is correct and that socially acceptable things are acceptable and socially unacceptable things are unacceptable. I suppose when I lose that notion I will be a wiser man.
There are two types of anger – good and bad. JK, there are more types than that. There are actually three ‘main’ types. Assertive anger is the good kind though. This is the anger that is displayed when you feel strongly about an injustice or something immoral. This does not include things that are personally unfair, however. Anger that stems from a feeling that we have personally been treated unfairly comes from our pride/ego and that leads to either Aggressive anger or Passive-Aggressive anger. Aggressive anger is that anger that is clearly socially unacceptable. That is the rage, the abuse, the violence, and everything else that would leave some sort of evidence that would be admissible in a court room. Passive-Aggressive anger is this other heinous kind. The kind that interests me the most, because it seems to be the kind of anger that we all have to deal with in some way everyday – whether it comes from within us or from someone we know.
Passive-Aggressive anger comes in so many forms that I think a list would work best here. I was actually quite surprised to find that psychologists and psychiatrists decided that some of things were actually stemmed from anger.
The Silent Treatment: This is when the angry person reacts by not speaking or acknowledging the person with whom the person is angry.
Procrastination: This is when the angry person prioritizes in such a way as to accomplish important things at the last minute, late, or never. This is a form of rebellion and an attempt to gain control – especially if the task is something that someone else is depending on. When someone reprioritizes (or puts off) a task like this it is expressing that the person/people behind the task is/are not important.
Halfhearted Efforts: This is when the angry person has an “I don’t give a carelessly chosen expletive” attitude. This person feels cheated and trapped. So, to appease the trap keepers he will put in an effort, but to express anger the effort will be poor. This is an approach used by someone who has quit, because of a feeling of a risk that if any feelings are out into the open he will be dismissed or proven wrong.
Depression (not every form, but many): This is when an angry person is trying to communicate in a passive way that the world is no good. It is aggressive anger in that the depressed person has withdrawn from people emotionally and has refused to allow anyone to enjoy a relationship with him. It is very selfish because the person often does not allow others to know what can be done to make things better and further a relationship. Supposedly, depression has some strong advantages for the angry person. A depressed person doesn’t need to concern himself with other people and when sympathized with they have a good excuse for not taking on their unwanted responsibilities.
Compliance: This is when an angry person constantly agrees with everyone. This person is afraid to express their true feelings. Often there is an emotional vulnerability in true expression and the angry person does not want to be vulnerable. Other times there is a dread of being angry because the person has learned that anger must be avoided at all costs. In this way the angry person can express a lack of concern for other people, because they disregard people’s need to hear honest feelings within relationships.
Forgetfulness: This is when an angry person has chronic forgetfulness. Obviously, we all forget things from time to time. This behavior allows for the expression of the aforementioned “I don’t care” attitude. It is again a way of communicating that someone or something is low on the angry person’s priority list. In terms of forgetting responsibilities it is a convenient way to punish whomever the angry person perceives is depending on the responsibility.
Preoccupation: This is when an angry person does not give things his full attention. Some people do this in meetings that they feel are a waste of time. It happens so often that it is a classic example, but this can happen anywhere in any situation. There are other classic examples like intelligent kids who fail to live up to their potential. This behavior is a way for the angry person to show that he is disgusted with his circumstances. It communicates that he wants to have nothing to do with anyone or anything other than the preoccupation. He would rather insult everyone around him than honestly express that he is at odds with his circumstances. This is also stubborn way of demanding to be left alone.
Laziness: This occurs when an angry person feels cheated, misused, misunderstood, or has a bad self image. It is often a reaction to bossiness or some other form of control. It is selfish and it communicates that the tasks are not important to him.
Hypochondria: This is when an angry person experiences illness after illness. The angry person is often convinced that they may not speak out in an assertive way – unless there is a good excuse. So, they fall ill… a lot. These people realize that they are not expected to be in good moods when they are sick nor are they expected to live up to many of the typical social standards that healthy, normal people must adhere to. Hypochondriacs fall ill to have a socially acceptable outlet for expressing their anger.
All the above forms of passive-aggressive anger are somewhat socially acceptable, which is probably why people use them to express their anger. Since I made a list of passive-aggressive anger I think that it is only fair to include a list of some of the different incarnations of aggressive anger. These types of aggressive anger are often less socially acceptable than the passive-aggressive types of anger mentioned above, but they may still be expressed without too much fear of condemnation most of the time.
Placing blame:
Sarcasm
Poisonous Talk
Gossip
Complaining
Stubbornness
Intimidation
Criticism
Rumination
Of all these different forms of anger, I use often exhibit depression, compliance, preoccupation (rarely, but it has happened), blame, some sarcasm, complaining, and more complaining. That’s seven of them! Man, am I angry! I didn’t even fully realize it all the time, but when I consider my life I realize that I am pretty angry about many things that happen.
So, what should I do now? Well, I think that it is pretty clear that since I’ve addressed this problem, addressed and listed in my mind most of the things that have made me angry recently… it’s time to deal with the anger.
To do this I will want to express some of it assertively, positively, and lovingly. I either need to patiently and lovingly let people know that I am not OK with things or I need to learn to accept things so I can be OK with them. Wish me luck.
Please note: if anyone asks/expresses interest I’ll do an entry explicating the things that should be done to live with less anger.
Today is my half birthday. So, I'm 21.5 now. I'm not really sure where this concept came from, but I am using it to try to get a present from Joy. All I want is a $15 video game (used) and that is comprable to a half birthday present, y'know?
Half birthdays are also cool, because one of my good friends happens to turn 21 today. (He does this aging thing on each of my half birthdays... that's why it's cool.) So, if you know Tonio, send him tons of love. Don't just send love though, because that would be cheap. Send a gift too! I think he would like gift certificates to liquor stores, Orlando utility companies, clothiers, and any fine dining location in Orlando.
It seems to me that the main crux of the issue on homosexuality lays in deciding if homosexuals are born homeosexual or if they become homosexual by choice or through their developmental environment. I think that each of these has very strong implications for what homosexuality means.
On the one hand, if something is an uncontrollable, unseperable part of who a person is then that would naturally cause people to have more sympathy and acceptance of said thing. Suddenly, the person is dealing with something that is out of his or her control. This necessitates that we as individuals and we as a society should seek to understand and help that person... much like we do for handicapped members of society.
If that is true than if homosexuality is successfully argued or proven to be caused by birth then anyone opposed to homosexuality is insensitive to this uncontrollable thing that might very well be a burden on the person born homosexual. Not only are they insensitive, but they are also unaccepting of that person... not their behavior. Americans tend to not like (or even... reject) people that are unaccepting of things that deserve sympathy and should therefore be accepted.
If those two tendencies are realistic then it might also be worth concluding that it would be likely that there is a strong incentive for showing that something is out of our control. Individuals do this at times to remove themselves from responsibility for things. I am an example of this. There are things that upset me rather easily, but instead of taking responsibility for controlling my own emotions I try to say that the situation is outside of my control. I do that by saying that so-and-so did something to upset me. That implies that so-and-so is responsible for my emotions and I am not.
On the other hand, if something is able to be controlled by the individual (or if it is chosen) then that causes people to feel much more justified in judging the controllable behavior. Suddenly, there is no need to feel sympathy because this is something that the individual could alter to change his or her life as he or she desires. {Also note that there wouldn't be any sympathy if it was a choice that had no consequences}
Almost every society has placed on its members social pressures that control sexual contacts. (an example of this in America is the pressures that are put on middle and high school girls to remain chaste.) These pressures or rules have a global, social purpose for that society and do not take into account the individual in the interest of fairness to all individuals. One of the major reasons that there is often social pressure against homosexuality is that it inevitably causes a rapid drop in population over time IF all members choose that route. So, because it is not fair to allow some members of a society something that would not be good for the society as a whole to have... social pressures work to forbid that thing for everyone.
Now, if homosexuality was argued (or proven) to be a choice this would mean that people could successfully continue to put social pressure on homosexuals without being labeled as unsympathetic, because their argument could go something like this... "Hey, they are choosing to be sexually deviant from the norm and socially deviant from what society has labled as acceptable."
I feel like these thoughts that I have put forth are part of the reason why homesexuality is argued to be a birth effect and not a choice. I think that Americans as a society are going to be OK with homosexuality for a time, because we are an individualistic soceity. I also think that the societies that are comfortable with homosexuality are societies that do not concern themself with fairness issues. I think that this is can be quicly observed by looking at a society's tax system.
Regardless of whether you or I feel like homosexuality is right or wrong... I feel that it will eventually be accepted in any individualistic society that shows that it is comfortable with some lack of fairness -- IF it can be successfully argued (or proven) that homosexuality is not (or should not be) within the realm of control of the individual homosexual.
People often give this advice for every manner of occasion, but I think that it is slightly flawed.
"Yourself?" Who is this person? We all have and wear so many different versions of ourselves... how do we know which self to be? Instead, I think that this particular saying/advice should go more like... "Be this you, and be consistant about it."
Well, a new semester is about to begin. For those of you who don't already know, I will be taking ARA1120: Begining Arabic and REE3043: Real Estate Analysis. Those two are worth nine credits, so I will only need another 12 next semester to graduate on time.
Good luck to everyone else for this coming semester.
Charles F. Kettering was a great man who you can read about in the history books. Why is he great? Well, He invented about 140 different things from the spark plug to the electric cash register to air conditioning for refridgerators and homes. He worked for General Motors too. I think he is great for all of that and his many sage anecdotes.
Most of his anecdotes are quite inspirational or funny. Sometimes both. I feel like Kettering really believed that people could do just about anything that they set their mind to and make positive changes to the world if they dreamed positively, never gave up, and never listen to the people that say you cannot accomplish something.
Here are some of the anecdotes attributed to him --
"It doesn't matter if you try and try and try again, and fail. It does matter if you try and fail, and fail to try again."
"Incurable diseases are only those the doctors do not know how to cure."
"The world hates change, yet it is the only thing that has brought progress."
"It is not what we know that is important, it is what we do not know."
"With willing hands and open minds, the future will be greater than the most fantastic story you can write."
"Keep on going and the chances are you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I have never heard of anyone stumbling on something sitting down."
...and a story --
When Kettering wanted a problem solved, he would call together his staff. However, he would first place a table outside the room where they would be meeting with a sign that read like this: "Leave your slide rules here." If he didn't do that, he says, he'd find someone reaching for his slide rule in the middle of the meeting. In a few minutes, this person would be on his feet saying, "Boss, you can't do it."
Well, Joy has told me that she prefers this new habit of mine (writing for the blog) over my old habits of writing to magazines, newspapers, columnists, and companies, so I guess I'm doing something that makes her happier. Woohoo!
Yes, it’s true... I used to write e-mails (or if you go way back – U.S. mail) to companies suggesting things such as new product ideas, marketing campaigns, product improvements, etc. To the media outlets I’d write to tell the columnist that he or she wrote a good piece. Occasionally, I would also write to disagree with a piece, but that is fairly rare. I think it is nicer send support, y’know? Actually, I think that the only times I would ever send in disagreements would be when I read magazines targeted at women, because I think that they might actually care about my opinion I guess.
The letters and e-mails I liked the most were for new product ideas or product improvements. Some people like to dream about winning the lottery, but I always thought it would be cool if the M&M/Mars company would just make some marshmallow M&Ms. This grew into other things like a desire for Strawberry Kiwi Gatorade, pizza box recycling, a number of Ben & Jerry’s flavors, and my latest – more almonds in the new Almond Snickers (there’s ole M&M/Mars again.)
Actually, I pretty much stopped that practice when I learned that most companies would never read the letters anyway, because they often feel like they might be liable if they did use the idea. I don’t understand that at all, but I will believe it for now because I am pretty ignorant when it comes to law.
Imagine a school that cared about the student's emotional well-being.
Imagine schools that did more than teach your children about history, science, math, literature, foreign languages, social studies and physical education. Image schools that taught all of these things, but also fostered a strong desire to learn things that are useful to life and helped shape student's character and their ability to deal with their own emotions appropriately. I have imagined this, and I would like to see my imagination become a reality.
So often schools these days concentrate on scholarship, athletics, and discipline. These three things are very important and I do not seek to do away with them, but I think that there needs to be more. This is obvious just by touring schools throughout our country. Students are not happy with the practices of many schools. Graduates are often no better than the generation before them. We can make schools that graduate students that are more prepared for life than our generation ever was. We can make schools that care more about the inner personal growth of each student than the way that their uniform looks or the time that they walk into each classroom.
How do we do this? How can I be so bold as to propose a better way of doing something that has been in progress for generations in our nation? I feel that someone can boldly call for reform because of the poor record of our schools. I feel like I can be that someone because I have been a student, I care about students, and I have thought about these issues for more than a decade.
So, what changes do I propose to make? I am proposing three changes, and I with each of these changes I think that we can have a vast improvement in our schools.
First, I think that we need to look at each child as a person. A person with many emotions that need to be addressed with concern. A person who has emotions and desperately needs to learn how to deal with them appropriately. These children are people who need to learn about their own individuality and in so doing they need to be constantly reminded that they are equal to everyone around them in that they are worthy to be here on this Earth and that they are worthy of greatness.
Secondly, I think that we need to explain to our students the duties, rights, and obligations that they have as members of society and citizens of this Nation, their state, and their community. We also need to explain to them why they have a duty to their fellow students, their fellow citizens, and themselves. We need to explain to them and demonstrate to them that by lifting up any person -- even if it is just themselves -- they are lifting up our society.
Thirdly, I think that we need to raise our standards and shift them. Academics are important, Athletics are important and discipline is important, but there is more to life than these three things. Unfortunately, these three things are the only things that we measure and laud in our school systems. That has caused an unbalanced focus on these three things. We need to measure character, leadership, teamwork, and concern for others. Academics are important, but they are just a part of the picture of what makes a person a success in this life. We need to do more for our children.
I often hear of people decrying the military or NASA. They're arguements are basically two-fold -- "why do we need these things?" and "The goverment money would be better spent on welfare programs to help people!"
I have thought that both of these sentiments must be valid concerns, because I too care about making sure people have jobs and have their other needs met. After some thought and discussion, however, I have come to the conclusion that by providing funding for programs such as NASA and the Military the government and it's citizens are providing for the welfare of some of the people in Nation. These programs provide jobs.
If there was no military there would be fewer jobs. We'd make fewer war machines, guns, uniforms, and employ fewer soldiers, doctors and mechanics. Our military spends millions of tax payer's dollars a year, and much of that money goes to people who might not otherwise have a job... or they might have a job, which would push someone else out of the different job that they got. In fact, the military could be looked at as almost essentially a welfare mechanism for the Nation and the world. Jobs are provded, training and other educational opportunities are provided... ROTC can pay for much of the expense of a college education, the G.I. Bill will pay for education... that all counts as military spending and it all helps provide for the betterment of individuals in soceity, which is exactly what any welfare program would do. So, the military provides job, but it provides more than just jobs... security is also provided. With greater security comes more jobs and more pride in our Nation. After looking at the military in this light it seems to me that the military is a great public institution to have (under the control of the citizenry.)
As for NASA, NASA also provides a great number of jobs. It provides high-tech jobs that pay well, which raises the level of income per capita. It also provides demand for things that employ jobs across America and beyond. The things that NASA uses need to be manufactured and that provides jobs, but before manufacturing can begin the materials need to be mined and fabricated. More jobs. NASA and the aerospace industry employ thousands of people. People from manufacturing, mining, refining, and fabrication. The program employs engineers, scientists, technicians, and mechanics. Throughout the process of trying to accomplish the goals that NASA sets for itself new technologies are developed which can be used by private entities to create new products and services which in-turn create even mroe jobs.
So, if you ever wonder why the hell the government is giving money to NASA and the military, and you don't see the need of going to the moon, mars, or having newer, cooler weapons then think of the programs as if they were programs in FDR's New Deal. They lift up the Nation through the process of accomplishing their goals... not because of the goals that they accomplish. Or, put another way, it's their journey that makes us stronger not their destination.
I was looking over some statistics of the bombings that have taken place in Isreal over the past few years and I noticed a few things. So, now I am left wondering... so many questions.
First, why is it that so few (almost no) suicide bombings take place in July? Is that some sort of time when the Arabs don't feel like killing themselves and a bunch of Jewish people as well? February and April seem to experience dips as well... is this just a coincidence?
Secondly, why are there people in America who side so strongly with the Palestinians? I usually think that when there are two sides of an arguement this big that both sides must have valid points to offer, but it seems to me that the Palestinians want to have their own country (which is fine with me) but they also insist that Isreal be destroyed. How is it valid to say that a group of people living on land for more than 50 years don't have a right to live there and govern themselves the way the see fit? How is terrorism validated?
From what I remeber of history these were all European colonies up until the second world war. Now that they are independent some of the Arab people living there feel that Isreal doesn't have a right to exist.
I really need this explained to me better, because I just can't see where they are coming from.
Now that my exams are out of the way it is time to focus on something other than school, but before that begins...
I just want to celebrate the highest grade I've ever received at UF. Not only did I get an A in MAN4504: Operations Management, but it was the highest A I've ever gotten. This was mostly due to placing well in two class competitions which earned me a total of 18 points for the class (190 point base score,) which means that I received almost ten percentage points from extra credit.
OK, now that I am done with that it is time to clean up my house and pack so I can go home, relax, and see people.