This year towards the end of August I wrote an entry about my New Year's Resolutions for 2005. I wanted to get a jump start on the resolutions so I didn't have to go cold turkey.
Today is the day that resolutions are normally made or announced so it seemed like a good time to review my resolutions and see where I need more resolve.
1. Good Schedule
I have made tremendous progress on this resolution. I have also regressed a bit lately. I got a job at Panera, which really helped out with getting to sleep early, but all that ended at the end of the semester when I left Oviedo. I also got a home gym thingie, which I use regularly. I write daily. I am really close to blogging 15 times a month. There were many long stretches in which I'd read daily, but there were also times when I'd skip a day or two. I was making strides towards praying regularly, but that is still a work in progress -- not a successfully formed habit but not a forgotten goal/failure either.
2. Goal Setting
I still set goals, but now my problem seems to be keeping them and setting the short term goals. I need to add Goal Attainment to my resolutions. :)
3. Positive Attitude
This has been great -- I think. However, my attitude did dip dramatically when I discovered that I wouldn't be close to meeting my last resolution.
4. Straight A's
Nope. Nothing even close here. Seminary is difficult for me.
Well, maybe this was something that wasn't meant to be until 2005.
We'll see!
When I hear about people considering marriage or having their first child one of the first and most frequent objections to their consideration is that they aren't ready yet. "Why aren't you ready?" I'll always ask. Their response is that they want to be "set financially" before they either get married or have a child.
I think that this is a popular, but errant line of thinking.
I can't speak for everyone who has ever said this and explain why they say it, but my guess is that they want to reach a state where they feel responsible and ready for children. The truth is that money alone doesn't bring you to that point.
I think that when people consider marriage or children they should be held back by other things. Am I a successful individual? (Not in terms of vocation or finances.) Am I generally happy/content with life? Am I efficient enough at taking care of myself that I have time and energy to spare on a very significant other person?
Generally responsible people will ask all these questions of themselves, but they paint the questions in terms of job security and finances. They'll ask if they are efficient enough at making and using money to have money to spare on another person instead of asking the question in terms of time, energy, and emotional energy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am preparing for a marriage and a wedding now. I am asking myself these questions. I don't always know whether or not I am ready in any of these senses. I also know that I don't really have a first-hand knowledge of what it takes to have a successful marriage or be a successful parent. All I know is that both of these things are extremely important to me and top priorities.
I've been going crazy lately because I have sooo much stuff that I need to get done this week, but only a week to fit it all in. My parents want me to get some things done. I have marriage counseling and doctor's appointments to keep. I also have to clean my room, which is nearly impossible. I have to get my car serviced. I need to talk to some people who Joy says I need to talk to to get this wedding thing arranged. The list is endless it seems.
The reason I am going crazy though is that I feel a sense of entitlement that is getting trampled on left and right. I feel like I should spend some time hanging out with my friends from high school... friends that I haven't seen in a long time.
I also feel like I should get some time enjoying my Christmas presents. Many of them I won't be able to enjoy in the next few weeks because I'll be back at school. None of this is possible though, because I am stuck doing the bidding of parents and the fiancee. I also had things that I need to do too.
Well, It's Wednesday night still. Hopefully, I can work really, really hard and get all this crap done and then have some time to hang out with old friends or play with Christmas presents.
Today I spent a lot of time with Joy. For a decent part of the day we were arguing away. Joy levied accusation after accusation against me, my character, and my various dissapproved of behaviors.
There was one thing that was pretty fun though. On the way to her house -- to pick up my car -- I decided to be funny and do this thing that she always does to me. So, we stop at this gas station, but before we stop I suggest a pump for us to get our gas from. Joy was going to that pump anyway, and that is where the fun began...
See, Joy and I have this thing. I am either ready to do something or in the process of doing it and Joy will "tell me to do" whatever it was that I was doing or about to do. This is frustrating to me, because I don't particularly like being told what to do, and in these particular situations I certainly don't need it either.
Joy never understands what I am talking about when I try to explain this all to her. She just counters everything and things that I am being unreasonable. That may be, but at least now she can empathize. {grin}
OK, so where was I? (Scrolls up) Aha! So, I tell Joy to go to this one pump, which was the pump she had chosen (in her mind) to go to anyway. However, because I told suggested the one pump she decided to drive by it and go to the next one. She just wanted to be defiant because I was being silly beforehand. So, as she pulls past the first pump to the next pump I decide that we need to have fun with this whole situation. I strongly suggest in typical Joy fashion that she stop since we were next to a pump. She was in the process of stopping already so she went ahead and stopped, but she told me to "quit it." She didn't really say what she wanted me to quit, but I agreed anyway and suggested that she 'hop out of the car and pump some gas' all in the same breath with a huge grin on my face.
At this point Joy removes her hand from the door handle (you must know that she was moving toward the door when I made my suggestion for this to be funny,) tells me to quit it, and tries to tickle me, which is hilarious because I am already laughing at that point, and she is physically suggesting that I laugh when I'm already laughing. This makes me laugh even harder.
So we wrestle in the car while we're laughing hysterically and frantically at the same time. Good times. Then she feels like she is done with that effort and slightly turns for the door. I tell her to hop out and pump some gas of course, and she reels around with a big ole smile on her face and tells me to stop it again. I am laughing again, and I say that I'm done already -- she doesn't need to tell me to stop! Then I start to tell her how frustrating it is when she does that to me, but she has already pounced on me halfway into the sentence to tickle me some more.
This whole thing keeps on going all the while as she gets out of the car, pumps gas, selects regular, gets a receipt, gets in the car, shuts the door, puts on her seatbelt, starts the car, and drives. Before each of those tasks I had strongly suggested Joy-style that she do them and then broken out in laughter. This part sounds pretty annoying, and perhaps it would have been but we were both laughing pretty hard so it was all good. In fact, when Joy was leaving the gas station she was still trying to tickle me and didn't stop until I argued that it was dangerous to drive and roughhouse in the car at the same time.
Ahhh, good times. Good times.
I was thinking that marriages probably last longer if two people love the same god. This could be an idol like money, political power, status, family, security, etc; it could also be a false religion; or it could be the one true God. It matters, of course, but at the same time simply loving the same god will add to stability in the relationship -- in my opinion.
Also, since many people who love the true God also have idols, I'd say that it probably helps the relationship to have as many common loves as possible. On the other hand, if there is only one common love in the relationship (God) and the other idols and such are different you could have a difficult but rewarding marriage because all the idols will be systematically damaged and destroyed throughout the relationship (as long as the relationship is more important than any idol.)
My entries this week seem to be pretty relaxed and journal-like, which is definately unusual for this blog, but I am not really feeling like my usual self either.
Today I woke up, but I don't really remember when. It must have been late though. My dad came upstairs, woke me up, and yelled, "David! Wake up! You've got work to do!" In the way he usually does when my mom has piled up a list of work for the whole family.
The whole thing was a joke for my parents though, because I didn't really have work to do when I came down stairs. They just know I hate waking up with that news -- I prefer to know when I go to sleep what I'll have to do the next day.
Anyway, I go down stairs and they are all excited with themselves and they want me to open their present to me. This makes me really nervous, because I am the only kid at home this Christmas, and they are really, really excited. So, I respond internally by becoming nervous, because it means that they have invested themselves into this gift somehow -- probably financially and emotionally at the same time. I feel unworthy and nervous all at once, which makes me feel even shittier, because I know that it honors and pleases them for me to feel excited with them. It also pleases them for me to feel gratitude and other positive feelings that typically bring smiles to people's faces.
I nervously open the gift. I feel really watched and all kinds of pressure. I should be excited, and I am, because I am starting to realize what the gift is. It is a digital video camera. I don't know very much about these video cameras at all. I asked for one for Christmas anf bought a magazine that is entirely about video equipment, but I still don't have a strong working knowledge of cameras. So, I am happy about the camera, but I am not sure if I am suitably impressed or not. I am just really curious and ignorant.
My Dad tells me that he wants me to "get the thing charged and ready for Skip and Beth's" and to read the instruction booklet. "You've got a lot of work to do", he says smiling. He thinks he's so funny, which makes it funny even when he's not.
So, I unpack the camera, get the instructions, and go eat breakfast while reading. Later, I am doing work on the family financial stuff with my dad for my mom. We're working like too little elves and my Dad is telling me that he will get done before me, but also complaining to my mom that everything is out of order. He is in some kind of mood. He's having fun playfully giving everyone a hard time today, but my mom and I give him a hard time right back.
After all that I go take a nap and then get ready to go to Sarasota for Christmas. Joy was supposed to be at my place by 10AM though, and it was already well after noon. So I try to call her, but the phone is busy. I try again after my nap and the phone is still busy. Finally I try her cell, which goes unanswered. Then my dad tells me that we have to be going in 45 minutes. So, I call her mom's cell, her dad's cell and even IM her little brother. Matt responds, but he isn't at his house. So, I call Andy and finally get someone. This is funny to Joy and my Dad later, because I have been impossible to reach lately, and they think I deserve to have a hard time reaching Joy.
After some time passes I am franticly running around the house when we are supposed to be leaving. Joy walks in and I ask her to wrap my last present. I finish getting ready and then we leave. We get to Skip and Beth's before Toby and his family though, so I am pleased.
In Sarasota everything is really relaxed. We eat cheese and cracker and this Norwiegian stuff that Skip makes. I should know the name, but I don't. The family that is here hangs out until dinner. We eat dinner, watch the kids do their kid things and then open presents.
After all the present openning we watch the end of the Magic/Lakers game. Magic wins! I am happy about that. Joy was hoping the Lakers would win, but she says she isn't really into NBA anymore anyway so she doesn't care. After all that we all basically hang out some more. Joy shows Allison her bridal dress, and they look for bridesmaids dresses online with Ashliegh and me. (Those two girls are my nieces, ages 13 and 10, btw.)
I ask Ashliegh to show me the Apple G4 laptop that he school lets her have for the year. She precedes to play Tony Hawk 4 for me, but I'd really like to just check out an Apple with OSX for once. It never really happens for me. We look at those dresses instead, and soon it is time to go.
Today Joy and I woke up at noon, ate breakfast, and went off to the Mueller's house. We got into a bit of an argument along the way, but it wasn't much of an argument, because I knew I was wrong from the start and didn't put up much of a fight. That seemed to be quite unsatisfactory for Joy, so she dug deeper until she found a fighting spirit. It wasn't much of one though. I was just in a discussion mood.
When we got to Muellerlund we did various things to prepare for the meal at 4PM. I hung out with Matt doing random things for the event and Joy did her thing.
At four the meal was served. We ate. Then there was dessert, and clean-up. At some point I realized Joy was gone and I went into her room to find her talking to her cousin, Lesa. I went in and Lesa told us that she thought we should consider changing the wedding date and gave us her reasons why.
After that people started to leave for church services. We left to get to Target so I could buy a last-minute Christmas present for my Dad. I also bought an XBOX Live! Communicator. Joy and I then drove to see Palmetto Pines. We got gas along the way and decided to go to church early. We sat in the parking lot there and talked about the possibility of changing the date of our wedding, and what we'd tell everyone when/if we decided to make the change. We talked and talked about that, but didn't arrive at any decision -- we just made a list of points and thoughts.
We went to the 7PM church service at CCF. When it was over we stayed and prayed for a bit. Then we talked to the pastor for a while. He was wondering how seminary was going and how the wedding plans were going along. I told him about the date change issue. He advised us that we should stick with the date that we had and gave us his reasons as to why we should. I liked his reasons too.
After we returned to Muellerlund, we found people all over doing different things. I wasn't in the most social of moods, so I decided to grab one of the many, many laptops laying around and play a game of flipwords. This lasted until the beginning of their present opening. We all sat in a big arc and opened presents.
I don't really remember what happened between present opening and the next event except for this one detail. I saw Goldie laying on the kitchen floor looking dead tired or something. She had been overeating all week long, and her stomach felt like a drum it was stretched so tight. I sorta teased her by placing a piece of cookie on the floor. She didn't even move for the cookie, so nudged it right next to her nose with my shoe. She just laid there and Andy was watching this whole thing so he started cracking up, which made me laugh too. It was a funny sight.
The next thing I remember after telling everyone about how funny Goldie was being was walking behind Joy into her room for something. Whatever we were going to get was completely forgotten because Joy was shocked by what she saw. It was a hammie massacre.
Goldie had gotten into Joy's room, flipped over the hammie hamper, and strewn hammie home furnishings all over Joy's room. The hammies went right along with the furnishings, but one was a bloody mess right at the entrance to Joy's room. The other was also a dog-slobbery, bloody mess but was still alive. Sorta.
Joy was standing in the middle of her room emoting by the time I was in the room, and I was following her. She was saying things, but she was shocked, upset, hurt, feeling loss, and a wealth of other things. I looked at the situation briefly, took both hammies for dead, and decided to comfort Joy. She kneeled down at her bed still very shaken up. Last Christmas Eve she found her favorite hampster (Dove aka Chubbs) dead. I forget something in the story there, but I remember getting up from comforting her and going out to find some boxes or something to hold the hammies for burial or whatever we'd do for them. When I was out I told her dad what had happened, and he got up to go help out too.
When we went back into Joy's room Joy was still griefstricken and in shock. The scene was pretty ghastly and gruesome. I grabbed some tissues and put the obviously dead hammie into a clean salsa jar, because I couldn't find anything else. The other hammie was sitting up cleaning herself extremely mechanically. She looked like a smashed up robot, a wet cat, and mouse all at the same time. It was unsettling, and I didn't want to touch her. When I came back from removing Iris' corpse from the scene, Joy's Dad had picked up Olivia and put her into the essentially empty hammie hamper and was verbally comforting Joy. He thought that Olivia would probably make it. I was suprised, because I didn't and I was already wondering how I'd go about putting Olivia out of her misery.
I thought up a way, but I am currently glad that I didn't go through with my plan, because Olivia seems like she might make it. Joy and Sammy (Joy's cousin) dried her off with tissues and found that her little legs probably weren't broken. She wasn't bleeding anymore an hour after we found her either. She was still having trouble breathing, but she was walking around and drinking water by midnight. I feel like she'll make it right now. I'm just not sure how long, because her breathing sounds so wrong.
Anyway, that's the story of my Christmas Eve for 2004.
RULE #1: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
RULE #2: You're not paranoid; they're just naive.
RULE #3: This is about you. I knew you'd come read this. I log your IP address.
I left my parent's house this Thanksgiving without my cell phone charger.
At first I freaked out and thought that it was going to be the end of the world. I called my mom using a calling card and asked her to send the cord to me in the mail. She didn't really want to do that, so I decided to just wait out the three weeks or so that it would be without a cell phone. I've done that before.
Now that those three weeks are almost over I am realizing that having a cell phone is pretty nice. I have felt a little more lonely these past three weeks, because I haven't called anyone but Joy and my parents and anyone who may have called me just got my voice mail. On top of that, my cell phone is also my PDA so I have not had my planner with me. That was a really bad thing as I managed to miss two doctor's appointments and I don't know what else.
This whole experience has really sucked, but I won't even know how much I missed until I get home, charge up my phone and find out.
I think that it is a cool thought to think that our relationship to God and our fellow man will be better than a marriage/sexual relationship is here on Earth. I used to be shocked and appalled to think that there'd be no sex (implied by the thought that there would be no marriage between people) in heaven, but now I view it differently. I think we'll have an intimacy more intense and complete than sex with everyone there in heaven.
Is this based on anything Biblical? Not really.
I think it is sexy though, and it helps me out with the lust issue too.
I just think, yeah, my body is telling me that it wants to be with that person, but there is a decent chance that I'll have an even better relationship with her in due time. So, then I do not have to go on lusting.
What I am talking about is beyond sex though. Heaven will provide the culmination of all our wants... God, and it will fulfill that last unattainable want. Sex is definetly attainable so I have a feeling it will go "past" that.
This is all very new and fresh in my mind and not well tested, but I thought I'd throw it out there anyway.
What do you think?
How do you know that this person is right for you?
You don't. You never will. There is too much in this world that is outside of your control, and only one thing that you can control -- yourself. The only way to really know that someone is "right" for you is to make a decision... a choice. Choose, daily, to be the right person for another person, choose that person as the right person for you.
That's when you'll know, because you have decided, and you daily make it so.
Monday. Finals loom. Final assignments are due day after day all this week. I am not exactly ready. I am ready to work though, so that is a plus, right?
I hate when I get all busy like this, because I always have tons of things that I'd love to blog about, but not time to sit down and work on my blog.
Are you done yet?
Auto response: done
lol
Well talk to me then!
Man, you always say you miss me, and now I come to the library ready to IM away at you, and you're like completely not interested.
You're such a girl!
Today in chapel I had a whole pew to myself! I like to keep a positive attitude about things, but this time it is sounding a whole lot easier than it really is.
I think that feeling alone is a pretty bad feeling, but it seems to be a much more intense bad feeling when you feel it in a big group of people. Then, it gets even more intense if the big group of people are friends, family, or people you'd expect to be both. Unfortunately, this seminary experience of mine has been really lonely so far.
I was thinking when I was in chapel, "Wow! I am having another time in my life where I just can't make any friends." This has happened before, but it is (thankfully) pretty unusual. I remember not making many friends when I moved into Trusler in the Spring semester of 2001. By that time everyone had already connected and developed friendships, and people were focused on school and building/maintaining those friendships more than on making a new friend. Also, I had moved into the room taking the place of someone who had been arrested and would likely be committed to a mental institution. It took me almost the entire semester to break the shells of those guys and gain a few friends. I pulled it off, and was on good terms with many of those guys by late April, but then it was time to go again.
This seminary situation seems to be very similar. Once again I come into a large group of (mostly) guys, and I am coming in late. Most of the guys here have already been here a few years, and the freshmen have almost all come into the school a month ahead of time to take Summer Greek. I didn't do this because of Southwestern, and now people seem to be out of relationship building mode and into fleeing hurricanes, working to pay for school, and studying for classes. Unfortunately, this situation is also very different from the dorm situation. I am not living with these guys, so I don't have as much time to interact with them. Instead, the only times I do have to spend with them is during class, which isn't conducive to socializing. Finally, it is much more dire for me, because I don't know too many people here in Orlando. I am starting to pick up friends outside of seminary through work and rekindling old relationships, but generally I have too much time and spend far too much of it alone.
To make all of this worse, a few people in my life are applying pressure for me to make friends here or at least make more Christian friends. You'd think that this would be no problem, because I am a Christian guy too and fairly amiable, but it hasn't been going so well so far.
OK, time to pay attention to class again.