Last Saturday my brother, Steve, called me at work and asked if I could baby-sit his infant daughter for a few hours while he took his wife out for a suprise evening on the town...
I agreed to do this, because I am a nice brother, but also because he lives between my house and where I work, and because he told me I had to try out his PSP while I was baby-sitting.
So I tried it out.
I really, really liked it. I played some SOCOM game for the PSP and then I played through several levels of PQ -- Practical Intelligence. Both of the games were very well made and fairly fun. The wireless Internet worked really well for SOCOM, a lot better than I had thought it would. Steve also told me to try out the Internet browser, which was alright, and the video and MP3 players built into it.
When I got home I told Joy that I wanted a PSP. I know that I would like one at some point in the future, but I am far too busy right now to bother with getting one. At just $200 it will be tempting when I have some free time.
I think that the PSP is far and away superior to my old GameBoy Advance SP in most ways, but I still prefer the clamshell design of the SP. I also really like how durable, light and portable the GBA SP is. I had that at Steve's wedding and I've taken it many other places by toting it along in my pocket. This PSP seems very expensive in so many ways. I feel like I need to coddle it when I am using it. I feel like some of the buttons are not wear-friendly so I am overly careful with them too. At $79 I didn't feel like it would be the end of the world if something happened to the GBA SP either, but the PSP is $200 plus it will require another $100 for accessories like screen shields, carrying case, memory stick, extra battery, etc.
I have pretty much stopped playing console games now. The idea of playing people online with a portable game system is great, because the only time I would have to play a game is when I am waiting somewhere that I knew would require a lot of dead time before hand.
Finally... some relief. Taxes are done and off in the mail. Joy is out working in the field, and I just got home after driving Joy to Ocala to pick up her car from the Auto Body experts and depositing a check into my account. That check will allow us to finally pay back my parents.
We borrowed money from Joy's parents and my parents right before closing on the house in early March. We borrowed $3,500 from Joy's parents and $4,000 from my parents. We did this because we weren't sure if the money that I had in my IRA would be wired in time, and I had several large checks from my brokerage accounts that were "out of state" checks that the bank wanted to hold for two weeks... which would have been after our closing.
Now all that money stuff is resolved. We owe no parents money. The credit card is paid in full. We made our first mortgage payment two weeks ago, and we're ready for the next one. (We're making payments every two weeks instead of monthly.) We will likely be getting an extra $1319 of withheld taxes back from Uncle Sam at some point too. Joy wants to spend that on doing projects around the house. I'd like to just pay off more of our mortgage, and use the money in our budget for the house... for doing projects around the house. My thought was that it would buy me some time to lighten my already too overwhelming schedule before Joy fills it up with more projects.
We decided that half would go toward the mortgage and half would go toward fixing up the house. So, I am going to have two to five house projects to do as soon as that money is wired into our account and noticed by Joy. I just hope that happens sometime after May is behind me. At that point I might actually be looking forward to doing a project. If it is pushed forward before that, then I will be pretty resistant to say the least. The "everything must be perfect now!" attitude is kinda getting to me. She has a wonderful, nearly perfect, almost new house, two cars that were made within the last two years to park in that house, a nice job, friends that stop by and visit whenever she wants, and a brand new husband. Please be happy, and let me rest from all of these huge projects.
Oh wait, we've got to do this house warming thing where over 50 people are invited, and there is a lot that we have to do before that to be ready. The best time for that is, of course, one week before your finals, but please please please try to be excited about this all this and HELP ME OUT! I really want everything to be perfect, David. I can't tell you how much this means to me!
So, I have been quite overwhelmed lately. I have basically three and a half hours to rest and chill out, but it feels more like adrenaline detox because everything has been non-stop go, go, go lately. My semester started on Groundhog Day. Since that time I have gotten a new job, I spent one weekend looking for condos and one weekend looking for houses. I did this thinking that I was doing something to spend quality time with my wife doing things she would enjoy. Given that inch, we bid on a house at the end of February, briefly celebrated my birthday, did a ton of paper work and financial wrangling to get the money ready for the house, closed on it on March 3rd, painted the house, packed up the apartment, and moved into the house before March 31st. Now we are a few weeks into April and we are still working on a constant stream of smaller projects, and to top it off we are now fighting because I would like things to slow down a bit. Joy is frustrated with me because I am "being unreasonable." I am frustrated with her because she doesn't get my situation, and I can't seem to explain it to her that I'd like to hold off on things so I can catch up on my school work.
I fear that when she discovers that I am using some of my time today to blog she will react just like she reacts when I play ogame, which takes about 3-10 minutes. "Why are you blogging when you've got so much schoolwork to do and the house isn't spotless?" My explanation would be the same as always, but it doesn't seem to click with her. Perhaps it is unreasonable. I don't know. I haven't been able to run it by any of my friends yet. Here's what I say, 'I am tired, worn out, stressed out. I just want to unwind, unload the fatique, and have a brief diversion before I get back to work in a half hour.' Her response -- "Why don't you do something with me to unwind? We could have some people over, work on our taxes (wait, that's done now, whew!) talk about (plan) the house warming, or go get some grocieries." 'Well baby, unfortunately, I need some time away from you too right now. When I am not at work or at school, I am at home and you schedule your day around that so that we can always be together doing stuff. I am really tired of doing all that stuff and I need to study. Please get off my back for a while and let me relax.' (read an exasperated tone into these quotes too, because that is definately how I am feeling at that point and it comes out clearly)
Perhaps I am being unreasonable and a dick. I really don't know. I do know that I want, and feel a desperate need for, this time that I am getting to just let it all out. I'd prefer to talk about this with some friends, but it is the middle of the day and they are typically in class or at work about this time. I will be going to work at four and working until one or two AM. I just have to do this today, tomorrow, and Wednesday. Then I open on Saturday and work until sometime between four and nine. Who knows.
I'd really like some more time to chill and unwind, but I do have to go do some reading for my class. I hope to catch up with most of my reading this week and next week. I will need to if I am going to be ready to devote a few days into preparing for this house warming. I also wish that Joy could hear what I am saying and wanting instead of the things she actually hears. Somehow when I tell her all of this she walks away thinking that I just said I don't want to spend ANY time with her AT ALL. It gets all polarized and exaggerated when she tells me what she heard me say. I don't get that at all. The good news is that when my semester is over she will probably chill out and relax. When that happens everything goes back to great again and she'll wonder what happened this spring. My next hope will be that she doesn't find a new set of things during my Fall semester.
Do you ever just feel like spending some time by yourself?
I have felt that way quite a bit this past week, because I have been so busy with work, school, setting up our new house, and working out troubles that I am having in my marriage. I am really quite stressed out, and I am distressed and unhappy with the way certain things are going in my life right now. There is a lot of uncertainty with where my friends will be next year, as well as uncertainty with my job. I enjoy parts of it, but I am not sure if I want to spend the next two years working with the people I work with in the work-relationships that I have right now.
With all this swirling around in my head and heart I am wanting to spend some time to myself to maybe sort through it all, and definately rest. There is a problem with this though. I have all these commitments that I need to take care of, I need to answer to my wife constantly about so many little things that I am not all that used to yet (laundry, yard work, keeping my office clean, picking up after myself right away, etc)
I feel like I can't keep her quite happy. So she is finding relief in spending time with her friends. They come over just a couple nights a week -- somewhere between 2-5 nights a week -- but it gets to me. I don't have the energy to "pretend to be happy" as Joy insists. I would like to just go somewhere else, but I don't really have another place to go. I've got my place and that's about it, but everyone is at my place, and it is the place I am trying to leave.
I feel like if I could get some time to myself to sort things out and just rest that I would feel a whole lot better and be ready, willing, and eager to socialize. That doesn't happen though. Joy's job allows her to be always present at my house, and when there aren't people when I walk in they come just minutes later. Today is a fine example. I came home today at 5:00PM and there was someone else here by 5:20. I hadn't even finished changing and I had barely spoken to Joy in those first 20 minutes.
One respite from all of this constant activity has been yet another activity... running. I have started running again. I have measured out a distance of a little over 5K that I have run several times so far. It keeps me busy for almost 30 minutes and gives me at least that much time to clear my head. It has made a big difference the days that I've gotten to run, but I can't run every day yet. I haven't run in several years, and whenever I run I run as fast and hard as I can. I am thinking that I will likely go run again soon.
One thing I've been reminded of in this most stressful time of my life is this thing about sticking up for people or coming to their defense. I have always felt that is something that friends do for each other. Lately, I have had some people I work with do that for me. I immediately felt like I liked them a lot more afterward. That's one of the things that I associate with friendship. Certainly I can try tp defend myself from whatever there may be, but it is a bonding experience to have someone else (unexpectedly) come to your defense as well. This has all come to mind as I am working in a new environment. I'm in training so I am kind of going through a learn by fire process. Some of my coworkers have come forward to keep me from some of the unnecessary fire, and it warmed my heart and got me thinking. Most of the people I spend my time with regularly probably wouldn't do this for me.
Are my friends not all that great of friends or do certain strangers just have a knack for friendship that most other people do not have?
Even as I am typing all of this my wife is pretending. Then again maybe she's not, but I got a stern scolding about "being miserable," "being antisocial," and the lot. She'd prefer me to come out and play host to her constant hostess. I'd prefer that too, but I am wiped. I need a release. I need some time to sit and think. More than anything I want to not be re-greeted, and then have to make small-talk with a group of my wife's friends that I have known for years.
I feel like if I were allowed to leave Easter dinner and go spend time with my friends that they would actually ask me how things are going because they were willing to hear all that I've written here. They would probably then feel for me and let me know that. Maybe they would also offer a few words of encouragement, some advice, or just listen and have nothing to add but a knowing glance. We've all been overwhelmed by taking too big a bite out of life. I'm right in the thick of it now, and I just want to take a big step away from all that is overwhelming me so that I have some energy when I step back into it again.
Thank God for blogging. I feel a little better already. I am going to go and try this thing. Hopefully, everyone is not as judgmental about my 'unsocial' time in my office as Joy portends.
Life has been bearing down on me lately. Everything feels difficult for me right now. Friendships feels strained and unrewarding. I am having relationship issues with Joy that seem simple to resolve from one perspective but overwhelming from another. I feel overwhelmed. I thought things were going well with work, but now everything at work seems dauntingly uncertain.
It is so strange and amazing. Less than a week ago I was close to cloud nine and thought that I would be there in just a few short months, and now this weekend everything has gone to the sewer.
One of the most frustrating things about all of this is that I feel that I am being dealt a bad hand in some of these situations, yet I am continually being told that everything is my responsibility and that no matter what happens that there is no excuse for anything but meeting the highest of expectations.
I am frustrated because I would very much like to meet and exceed all expectations place on me, but it isn't happening for me. I know that people do not realistically expect perfection. They will say that every time. Reality just works out differently than people tell you.
My wife has very high expectations and she is unhappy because they are not being met. My job has high expectations and they are not being met, but to make matters worse the people above me are all very new (less than a year when you add the experience together) at the particulars of their position yet they have worked for the company for ages. So there is all this undue self confidence and micromanagement, and I feel like they are not even doing their jobs well. In fact, I feel like their mistakes are making my job much harder to do than it should be. My friends are also giving me all these high expectations too. I would like to relax and be without any of this for a while, but everywhere I go I am being told about new expectations that I have failed to meet along with a slew of old ones that I have and/or have not met.
My habit during difficult times that are out of my control is to turn away from things if I can and focus on something else for a while. Right now schoolwork isn't seeming so unattractive. The expectations are high there too, but I am pretty accustomed to that at this point. It will give me something to do until I go to work again and resume my efforts to meet their expectations. Hopefully, I start to get some of this stuff in order by June.
We WON!! We WON!!
I am so excited that we finally won it all this year! I haven't filled out a braket sheet in a few years. Had I done it this year I would have done better than I had done since 2000.
I'm not the biggest Gator Basketball fan, but I am still really happy that we won. Our basketball team's success had a small impact on my college decision back in 2000... even though that is really silly I didn't know what to base my choice on, and I was excited about going to a school with a great football team and a great basketball team.
I hope that the team stays together and stays on for another year or two. I would bet money that Joakim Noah stays for at least another year... if not for all four years.